


Ivy Grows and I'm Covered in You

by soul_writerr



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Body Horror, First Kiss, Flowers, Getting Together, Hanahaki Disease, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Major Illness, Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, The tags are scary but I promise it's okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29983212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_writerr/pseuds/soul_writerr
Summary: Rafael Barba was slowly dying, all because he fell in love with Sonny Carisi.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 30
Kudos: 63
Collections: Barisi Genres & Tropes Challenge





	Ivy Grows and I'm Covered in You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tobeconspicuous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeconspicuous/gifts).



> Maggie messaged me a couple days ago asking if I saw all the hanahaki fics going around on Tumblr, and I had never heard of it, so I googled it and said it sounded interesting, to which she promptedly replied "You should write one for me". So that was that, plus the fact that Maggie's birthday is next week, so this is my gift to her! And of course I squeezed it a little to fit into this month's Barisi Archive challenge, with the prompts horror and alternate universe ;) The title is from Taylor Swift's song "ivy".
> 
> "Hanahaki Disease is a fictional disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings (romantic love only; strong friendship is not enough), or when the victim dies."
> 
> So yeah it gets dark, but then it gets better! Enjoy!
> 
> CW: brief, non-descriptive mentions of blood and throwing up

The first coughing fit came a month ago. Rafael doubled over his desk, covering his mouth as he fought to breathe through the scratching in his throat. His eyes filled with tears as he banged on his own chest, trying to dislodge whatever was choking him. Carisi had just left after turning down Rafael’s invitation for lunch, and it triggered the first symptom.

After an agonizing few seconds of heaving and coughing, Rafael swallowed a gulp of air. He panted, pushing his chair back so he could sit. When Rafael looked down at his hand, however, he paused. 

Dark, moist soil covered his palm and fingers, clinging to his nail beds, and Rafael panicked. 

He ripped a page off his notepad and cleaned his hand off, his palm turning red under the unnecessary scrubbing of the harsh paper. Of all the conditions that could have inflicted Rafael, this one felt like a cruel joke. 

With his mother’s history, he should have seen it coming, but he never saw Carisi coming. Long legs, blue eyes and a dimpled smile caught his attention, but it was his kind heart, empathy and eagerness that pulled Rafael in. He was smart, too, and so dedicated Rafael envied the energy that buzzed off of him.

Carisi caught him off guard - no, Carisi  _ tore down _ his guard without breaking a sweat. Rafael never expected that the yearning he felt would manifest itself physically like this. And although Rafael knew how the disease progressed, he wasn’t expecting the petals to come a mere week later.

“Can I buy you a drink?,” Rafael asked, but regretted it before Carisi even started shaking his head. He was putting himself at risk.

“Not tonight. I promised to help Amanda with Jesse,” he said, standing up from his desk and shoving things into a drawer. “She’s giving trouble eating, so it sounds like a job for Uncle Sonny.” 

The pressure in his chest became heavier and Rafael pulled in a deep breath lest his lungs act up again. 

“Another time,” he stepped back. “Have a good night, Detective. Thanks for your help.”

Carisi shrugged. “No problem. Seems like I’m always pulling the short straw, huh? Night, Counselor. See you tomorrow.”

Rafael made it to the elevator before the cough started. He leaned sideways against the back wall as the doors closed, clawing at his throat as he struggled to breathe. 

The quick breaths he pulled in only spurred his coughing fit, his airway filled with something feathery and ticklish. 

He heaved, bringing a hand to his mouth as it filled. When Rafael pulled his hand away, he had to hold himself up as flower petals cascaded down. They were beautiful, bright yellow and so soft as they slipped through his fingers.

Rafael hacked up about a dozen of them, shocked at the fast progression of his situation. 

He needed to see a doctor.

* * *

Unsurprisingly, as soon as Rafael described his symptoms, the doctor asked for x-rays of his lungs. He spent five full minutes listening to Rafael breathe through a stethoscope, making notes at every stutter, every weak breath. 

Once the x-rays came in, they confirmed their suspicions. 

The doctor sat behind his desk with a heavy sigh, the x-rays in hand. He made a few more notes before looking at Rafael with a blank stare. Rafael knew that their conversation wouldn’t bring good news. 

“Do you have any history of Hanahaki Disease in your family?,” the doctor asked, and Rafael’s stomach turned. 

“My mother died from it when I was young.”

“Then you’re familiar with it.”

Rafael scoffed, shrugging one shoulder. “As familiar as an 8-year-old orphan can be, I guess.” 

He never talked about this; about his mother, and how she met her demise in the hands of his father. Rafael was raised by his grandmother, whom he loved very much, but she had always been bitter and hurt about how the disease had taken Lucia’s life. Now the same was happening to her grandson. 

What was so unlovable about his family?

The doctor nodded in sympathy, but continued speaking in a monotone. “Your progression is a little faster than usual. Were you rejected?”

“Not in so many words.” Carisi did not know how he felt, so he never got the opportunity to actually reject his feelings. 

“Are you in close contact with this one-sided relationship?” 

“We work together.” 

“That might be it,” the doctor said, then leaned back into his chair to look at Rafael. “I’m sorry to say this, but you know there’s no cure, right?”

“Yes. But can I delay it?”

“If you cut back on the unrequited contact, I believe you could get a couple more weeks. But, Mr. Barba, even if you left your job completely and never saw this person again, there’s not much we can do. Not unless they can reciprocate your feelings.” 

Rafael was familiar with that aspect of his condition. Hanahaki Disease was popularly known as the Unrequited Love Syndrome. It was a genetic condition that provoked a physical manifestation of heartbreak, pining and yearning in an individual. 

People made movies, wrote poems, opened museum exhibitions, all about the horrific representations of one-sided feelings. Hollywood had romanticized and capitalized on the idea of dying unloved, but Rafael would attest that there was nothing poetic or romantic about it.

“How much longer?,” Rafael asked, looking down at his lap.

“Normally, three months. In your case, you went into stage two in a week, so I’d say a month. A month and a half if you can avoid getting rejected.” 

“Two months if I extinguish any form of contact?”

“That’s hard to say, it seems to have created roots around your lungs already, see?,” the doctor lifted one of the x-rays against the light and pointed at the filaments that had wrapped itself around his lungs. At first glance, it looked like veins, but leaning towards it Rafael thought they were more like long, thick cuts. “It’ll continuously get harder to breathe.” 

Until he eventually suffocated. 

Rafael looked away from the x-ray. “What about surgery?”

“We’d have to run some tests to see if you’re healthy enough for it, but it’s an option,” he set the notes and exams aside and leaned forward, elbows on the desk. “I should caution you, however, that with the surgical extraction of the roots and petals, we’d also be extracting your feelings.”

Rafael tried to imagine it. He looked away from the doctor for a moment, staring at the sterile white walls behind him. He pictured himself with a hole where his feelings for Sonny were. The ADA tried to imagine looking at the Detective and not feeling that familiar pull in his heart, that boost of happiness whenever he was around. 

Rafael closed his eyes, and thought of blue eyes and an amiable smile and “Am I right, Counselor?”, and his stomach lurched. His feelings for Carisi consumed him, warm and bright, and the restlessness in his chest started again.

His mother had refused the surgery all those years ago, saying that feeling empty was no way to live. Rafael had been so angry, so confused about that choice. He watched, in desperation, as his mother succumbed to the disease without fighting it. 

Now he understood that Lucia had accepted her fate with dignity, preferring to love rather than to feel nothing at all.

* * *

Now, a month since he first coughed up a handful of soil, Rafael had progressed to throwing up full flower heads. Beautiful sunflowers, bright yellow and delicate, that were suffocating him and destroying his vocal chords. 

That morning, a couple of flowers came out smeared with blood. Rafael doubted he’d make it to a month and a half after all. 

It was harder to pull in air now, his lungs compromised by the roots and the flowers. Speaking became increasingly difficult, too, with the way his throat burned at every word. He could no longer present cases in court or even argue with other attorneys. His sentences became shorter, simpler, all to spare himself. 

To give himself a couple extra days.

His last doctor’s appointment showed how covered his lungs were, and it was too late for Rafael to back out and go into surgery. 

So he started preparing. 

Rafael gave Carmen the rest of the week off and she looked at him like she knew. He sent his resignation letter to the DA with little explanation, then logged off his email without waiting for a reply. And the last step before he admitted himself into the hospital was talking to Olivia.

Nobody knew about the disease, but when Olivia’s eyes widened and her voice went to that tender, whispering tone she got, Rafael told her.

“Oh my God,” she whispered, running a hand over her face. “What about surgery?”

Rafael shook his head. “Too late for that.”

“Rafa,” Olivia looked at him, tears in her eyes, shaking her head in disbelief. “It can’t be.”

Rafael offered her a sad smile, reaching for her free hand. He squeezed it and she intertwined their fingers. 

“I’ll miss you,” she whimpered. 

“Do something for me?,” he started, keeping his voice down mostly to save his voice. He was already dreading the next coughing fit, his vocal chords were a wreck. 

“Anything.”

Rafael forced a bigger smile. “Give your next ADA hell.”

Olivia chuckled, a wet sound as her eyes filled with tears again. She reached for him, pulling Rafael by the arms into a tight hug. He closed his eyes, rejoicing that last bit of physical contact before the end. 

“Thank you for everything,” Rafael whispered. “Take care of yourself, Liv.” 

They parted, Olivia’s face wet with tears. He dropped his arms, stepping away as Olivia fell back into her chair, her shoulders shaking slightly. Rafael closed the door behind himself before the sound of the first muffled sob reached him.

“Hey Barba, you okay?,” Carisi suddenly asked, and Rafael startled. He turned around to see the Detective sitting on his desk, frowning at him. “You don’t look too good.” 

“Fine,” he said, waving weakly. “Goodbye, Detective.”

“Wait,” Carisi stood up hastily, grabbing his jacket. “Come on, I can give you a ride back to the office.”

“I’m not going back to the office.”

“I’ll drive you home, then.”

Rafael shook his head, waving again. “That’s not necessary.”

He made his way towards the exit in quick steps, but Carisi came running after him. It took little effort for him to reach Rafael, and he grabbed his elbow to slow him down.

“Seriously Rafael, you look like you’re about to pass out. What’s going on?”

“I’m leaving.”

“I know. So let me help you home.”

“No,” he stopped in front of the elevator, pressing the down button frantically. The last thing he needed was to throw up right in front of Carisi. “I’m leaving the DA’s office. I’m leaving SVU.”

Carisi gaped, grabbing his hand and moving it away from the button. “What? Why? What happened?”

Rafael looked away from him. “Health reasons.”

”Okay, I’m definitely driving you home, you can tell me everything on the way,” he said, holding the door when the elevator came and letting Rafael walk in first.

Rafael sagged against the back door, trying to get his breathing controlled. These days, it didn’t take much for him to start panting, and the quick escape he tried to make was more than his compromised lungs could take.

“Barba,” Carisi said softly, a hand on his shoulder. “What’s going on with you?”

An unfamiliar fluttering started in his chest, and Rafael reached for his neck on reflex. He wouldn’t survive another coughing fit. There was no way. He felt weak, burned out. He felt  _ delicate _ , like a breeze could knock him down. 

Rafael didn’t want to go like this, it was so  _ cruel _ . Everything hurt, and it tired him. This disease had taken everything from him; from his voice to the company of the man standing in front of him now, and Rafael was exhausted.

He let go then, falling into Carisi’s chest like a puppet with its string cut. 

Carisi wrapped both arms around him, and thank God for his long limbs, because he somehow reached the emergency stop button and the elevator lurched as it came to a sudden halt.

“Rafael,” Carisi said into his hair, and Rafael buried his face deeper into his chest. He could breathe easier like this. “Talk to me.”

“Hanahaki Disease.”

“Fuck,” he gasped, hugging him tighter. “ _ Shit _ . Rafael, I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t have to be sorry. Not with the way his cologne smelled so fresh; not while Rafael  _ could  _ still smell it. He wanted to enjoy this, but everything about being in Sonny’s arms now was bittersweet.

“Could you tell me who it is?,” Carisi said calmly, hands running smoothly up and down Rafael’s back. “I’ll bring them here in handcuffs if I have to.”

Rafael chuckled drily, then winced at the sting. “I can’t force anyone to love me, Sonny.”

He’d wanted to use Sonny’s preferred name only when he truly earned the privilege, but there was no hope of that anymore. So Rafael took the opportunity now, to feel closer to him, and because it felt so much softer on his throat than his last name.

“I know that, but I doubt they’d want to see you hurt, right?”

“Right.”

“So who is it?”

“I’m not telling you.”

“ _ Damn _ it, Barba. You can’t give up.”

Carisi pulled away from him, distressed. Rafael stumbled forward with Sonny’s sudden absence, grabbing the railing to steady himself.

Carisi started pacing the tight space of the elevator, all but pulling out strands of hair from his head as he ran his fingers through it almost violently.

“Not you,” he continued, voice louder now. “You never give up. I’ve seen you fight for lost cases tooth and nail.”

“I don’t have much of a choice in the matter, unfortunately. Too late for surgery.” 

“ _ FUCK _ ,” Carisi yelled up to the ceiling. He kept pacing, hands twisting at his sides.

Rafael would have told him to calm down and pull himself together if this was any other day, but he had to save his breath. Carisi’s righteous anger wouldn’t do him any good now, so he waited quietly as the Detective walked in circles until he tired himself out and slumped against the elevator wall.

“What if there was somebody else?,” Carisi barked at him after a beat of silence, pushing away from the wall and grabbing Rafael by the shoulders.

“What do you mean?”

“This might sound crazy, but I think you could love me, if you tried. We have some things in common and you’ve helped me so much all these years. I know you like me, in your own way, so don’t give up, Rafael, please. You’ve  _ gotta  _ fight this.”

Rafael almost laughed, but he didn’t have enough oxygen for that, so he shook his head instead.

“That’s not how this works.”

Carisi shook him slightly. “I know, I know it’s about reciprocated feelings, and I don’t know whoever’s crazy enough to not feel anything for you, but  _ I _ love you. You just have to love me back and you’ll be okay. Please.  _ Please _ .”

Rafael’s next breath came in smoothly, expanding his lungs a little more.

“What did you say?,” he gaped.

“I said I love you,” Carisi whispered, eyes big and bottom lip trembling. “I love you, so all you have to do is love me back. Love  _ me _ , Rafael, and I’ll reciprocate it and you’ll be okay. I don’t want to lose you. I  _ can’t _ .” 

Rafael opened his mouth to respond, but a cough took over his speech. He doubled over, clawing at his chest as he felt a strain in his throat. 

“Oh fuck, no,” Carisi said, panicked. He kneeled in front of Rafael to look at his face. “What do I do? How can I help you?”

He coughed, and the petals burned as they pushed their way through him. He grabbed Carisi, trying to find support, and the other man helped him down onto the floor and pulled him into his arms, Rafael’s back to his chest. 

Rafael opened his mouth, gagging until he filled his own lap with sunflowers. He looked down at himself, terrified, but there was no blood. When the last flower fell, Rafael could finally breathe.

He inhaled deeply, his chest expanding with it. There were no constraints now, and he let out one, two, three breaths, testing the limits of his lungs. He didn’t feel any pain anymore; he felt  _ free _ .

He would have to go to the doctor to check, but Rafael was positive that Sonny’s declaration of love had just saved him.

Sonny was rocking them back and forth, speaking under his breath by Rafael’s ear. “It’s okay, you’re okay,” he said. “I’ve got you.”

“Sonny,” Rafael whispered, turning in his arms to look at him. He picked up a flower from his lap and offered it to him. 

“Why sunflowers?,” he asked, frowning. 

“I believe the flowers are supposed to be a representation of the person you love.”

Sonny’s eyes met his. “What?”

Rafael smiled weakly, letting the flower fall so he could place his hand on Sonny’s cheek. “You saved me.” 

Sonny’s bottom lip trembled again, but Rafael stopped it by leaning forward and kissing him. It was a chaste press of lips, their mouths moving ever so slightly to better fit together. Rafael let out a sigh, relieved and overwhelmed. 

When they parted, Sonny’s eyes were wet. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Rafael shook his head. “It wasn’t my choice to make.”

“I was almost too late.”

“You were just in time,” Rafael said. “I’ve spent the better part of a month with a lung full of flowers, Sonny, but never once did I wish I didn’t love you. I was ready to take that love to the grave with me. That was the only choice I could make for myself. I couldn’t make you love me.”

“But I do. I love you, Rafael,” he said, urgent, squeezing Rafael between his arms and his chest. “You could have talked to me.”

“Well, I tried a few times. I asked to go to dinner with me, to lunch, for drinks. You said no every time.”

Sonny dropped his head on Rafael’s shoulder. “ _ Fuck _ . I’m so, so sorry, Rafael. This is all my fault. It hurt so bad to be around you, but not  _ with  _ you that I tried to keep some healthy distance between us. Turns out it was the opposite of healthy.”

“It’s over now,” Rafael said, lips brushing Sonny’s temple. “I’m feeling better already.”

“Yeah, but you should probably still see a doctor.”

Rafael chuckled. “I will, if you ever let me out of this elevator.”

Sonny lifted his head, smiling softly at him as he unlocked his arms and stood up, holding out a hand to help Rafael. Sunflowers dropped out of his lap and fell around him, and for the first time in weeks Rafael stopped to appreciate how beautiful they were. 

Rafael had always been quick to dispose of them after a fit and he had no idea whether they wilted and died like any other regular flower or if they persevered with the same magic that caused them to bloom inside of him. He picked one up, pulled out his pocket-square and covered it, folding the corners and saving it in his pocket.

Sonny watched him quietly, a hand on Rafael’s lower back the entire time. “What’s that for?”

“Remembrance.”

He nodded in understanding and picked another sunflower for himself, keeping it in his hand. “I have tissues in the car,” Sonny said, then hit the emergency button again. 

The elevator took them to the ground floor, and Rafael kept himself glued to Sonny’s side as they hit the sidewalk. He took a deep breath, letting the cool, fresh breeze fill his lungs at last. Rafael smiled. 

“I want to go home,” he said.

“Are you sure? You should really get checked out, make sure everything’s back to normal.”

“I can do that tomorrow. I think spending some more time with you will be more beneficial to my health right now.”

Sonny’s arm tightened around him. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Thank you,” Rafael said, pausing to press a quick kiss on Sonny’s lips. “By the way, do you know how to unsend an email?”

**Author's Note:**

> Of course I had to get really sappy in the end to make up for the fact that I was sobbing my eyes out while Rafael was "preparing" and said goodbye to Liv HA HA HA HA :D Let me know what you think of this trope. I'd never heard of hanahaki disease before and thought the concept was both beautiful and traumatizing, so what do you think?? Sunflowers for Sonny?? 
> 
> I have another fic coming your way tomorrow, so hit the kudo button if you're excited for that! MWAH


End file.
